Monday, September 19, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
- Doctor Reed Goode
Sunday, August 14, 2011
It is possible that you have experienced "beer shits".
You have most likely experienced the phenomenon that manifests itself in the most harrowing way, at the most inconvenient time. And when I say "inconvenient", I mean that you are the passenger in a under-gassed vehicle in the middle of bum fudge Egypt and there is not a gas station in sight.
Since you have found yourself in this situation it is only fair that you grant yourself forgiveness.
You knew that one last beer was going to push you over the toilet bowl's edge... now you're sitting in a Pine Sol scented bathroom perched semi-poetically on a cavernous flushing throne, rubbing your bulging beer belly in a vain attempt to expel memories of the night before.
It's alright if you cry hysterically on a toilet.
At some point in your life you will cry hysterically on a toilet. Seriously. It's inevitable.
Feel a little better?
Now, let's move on to how to make Beer Shits less of a pain in the proverbial ass.
There are steps that you can take to make beer shits bearable, especially if they are first coming on when you wake up to a hankering of a hangover! Keep in mind that all of my medical advice has been tested but if you need ibuprofen, Swedish fish, cabbages, or professional emergency aide at some point while following any of these steps, go for it!
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The BEER SHITS List:
A Healthy Human's Guide to
Beer Shits Expulsion Sessions
Beer Shits Expulsion Sessions
Step One: Don't expel your Beer Shits at home!
Respect yourself. There is absolutely no reason for you to experience Beer Shits in the privacy of your personal bathroom. You don't want your lovely little latrine filled with the scent of your own drunken sorrows! That's what restaurant bathrooms are for! Mmmhmmm. That's right.
Go to a restaurant! Find a nice spot to camp, preferably a booth. Talk with the waitstaff politely about the specials, making sure to order a light appetizer to nibble on that includes some form of carbohydrate. Then, subtly inquire about the location of the restroom. After these steps have been made, your body has had enough time to acclimate itself to this new food-filled environment and has properly calmed itself into Expulsion Mode.
You're ready to make your move!
Step Two: Bring a Magazine and Matches!
The trick to great Beer Shit Expulsion is to keep your brain entertained!
The best magazine to bring with you is Playboy. The reason being: you're going to leave it in the restroom stall once you're done and some of the best writers in the nation work for Playboy! You get to look at lovely ladies, learn about their interests, AND expand your knowledge on global economics! You lucky beer shitter, you!
And you absolutely MUST have matches with you! Strike one. If the lovely linger of last night's beer gut guilt is still apparent, strike one more. Under no circumstances should evidence, other than the Playboy, be left in the restroom. If you want to be extra effing classy, buy yourself incense matches! Even if there is another person in the restroom with you, they will be impressed with your shit scent covering-savvy and quite thankful that you prevented them from the attack your rose war.
Step Three: DRINK COFFEE then eat something!
I know you don't like coffee but it's going to help your brain make extra sure that you've done your job correctly the first time. If you were unable to expel those solidified turned sloshy toxins from your intestines on the initial go-round, you'll definitely know it after one cup of strong black coffee.
* NOTE: if you really don't like coffee, try an herbal tea. Peppermint will be gentle on your stomach and aide in the maximum force of your expulsion session.
|Drinkin' Coffee. Like a Boss.|
Now, don't forget that you've ordered food! The meal is most likely sitting on your table, and you're debating whether or not you can actually stomach the random food items you've ordered. Take a breath and pick up the bread (because there's always bread at non-fast food establishments). Put it in your mouth and chew slowly, letting the saliva saturate the lump o' loaf and break it down while you think about your tiny tush victory. At this point, with the bread still in your mouth, your stomach will talk to you. This is when you gauge whether or not you need a second rendezvous to the loo.
Don't worry. You know what to do. The Playboy will be in the same stall, by the way. If it's not, don't be surprised. It's a damned good read!
Step Four: Share your experience with a close friend or relative.
You've finished eating your meal! Congratulations! Now, you're ready to get the fudge out of the restaurant and go to a movie theater! Eggggsellent!
At this time, you need to call a close friend or relative and invite them to join you for a trip to the movies. Make sure that you allot enough time to complete concessions ordering and optimum seat picking: this will give you the opportunity to share your Beer Shits Expulsion Session with your movie going companion! Revel in their shock and amazement at your ass-tastic accomplishment! Rest assured; they will be thinking about your successful session throughout the film. You're the real star! You stole the show!
Step Five: Drink Beer! You deserve it!
Now that you've had a peaceful pooping parade, a delicious dining experience, and relaxing day at the movie theater, you're ready for a BEER, my friend! Most people would be ashamed of completing this step, but not you! You know how difficult it is to transcend high levels of beer shitting tribulation, and you deserve to reward yourself with the best brews your local pub has to offer. Order a tall cold one from your favorite bartender at your favorite watering hole, and savor every drop of your deviled elixir!
Not only have you conquered your Beer Shits, you get to do it all over again tomorrow morning!
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So, you see? There is nothing wrong with drinking beer or kickin' back one more because in the end, you get to experience the beauty of Beer Shits and the fine art of living healthily, happily, and drunkenly. Also keep in mind that you never have to experience Beer Shits alone. Those days are over! This is your time to own the fact that your Beer Shits need to be experienced in a fun, dynamic, classy environment and eventually shared with friends and family.
Release the inner turmoil and be whole!
This is Sunday Afternoon Advice from your friend Doctor Reed Goode
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
When does a person become "human"?
I am asking this because on the Internet there are "verification" programs that apparently decipher whether or not the user is a human being versus an evil-doing cyber bot. Although these protective measures are put in place to keep online accounts in an imaginary safe zone, it makes me laugh when the program wants to verify that its user is in fact "human". Just tell me, "This program is design to keep your personal information secure." Not this are you human, circle "yes" or "no" bull spit!
It's like a slap in the face.
Who the hell are you to verify that I am human, program?
You're not human!
What if I do not classify myself as a human being but rather a fallen soldier of fortune from a distant planet? I can interpret various languages, including your hyper-complex digital configurations... but I would never rub it in your face and force you to verify that you're a program! I have class.
Doctor Reed Goode
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
I CAIN'T REED GOODE!
WORDS I DON'T KNOW
A List of Words That Juniper Sunrise
Did Not and/or Does Not
Did Not and/or Does Not
Know How to Spell, Write, or Define
Categorized by Month and Year
Dr. Reed Goode and Juniper Sunrise
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Apparently, the “Forward” is supposed to be written by someone other than the author but I don't really give a shit about that right now. There are so many personalities running amok in this singular soul that I will employ them simultaneously and however I see fit.
This list has been constructed to further embarrass me by the intellectually savvy Dr. Reed Goode. Goode is a figment of my imaginary friend's imagination, and he has instructed me to gain a deeper understanding of words that are used in text, everyday speech, and writing that are either over my head or sound funny (but are not meant to be taken lightly, or utilized in a humorous manner).
The list will not be alphabetized but listed the way that the words were encountered by myself, and defined by Dictionary.com because it's easier that way (plus, there is no way Dr. Reed Goode has time to create his own definitions on my account).
I hope that you enjoy reading the passages that I, Juniper Sunrise, have acquired via the letters and e-mails of friends, and overheard conversations. If you're not enjoying them, go fuck yourself.
SUNNY DAYS IN JUNE
June 17, 2011
Hello Dr. Reed Goode,
I am sitting in Thunderbird Coffee House on Manor Road in Austin, Texas. I am electronically rifling through e-mails from friends, online retailers, and music labels. One e-mail in particular stood out to me because it was sent by a dear friend of mine who is a Philosophy Professor at one of the local universities in the city. She read a blog post that I had written a month or so ago that displayed my love for Shunryu Suzuki (located on the Juniper Sunrise Wordpress).
Her e-mail carried one of his many brilliant messages, that inadvertently introduced me to words that I either did not understand in context, or never would have thought to use in the particular way that Suzuki did.
The passage reads:
“296. Alas! what are you, after all, my written and painted thoughts! Not long ago you were so variegated, young and malicious, so full of thorns and secret spices, that you made me sneeze and laugh—and now? You have already doffed your novelty, and some of you, I fear, are ready to become truths, so immortal do they look, so pathetically honest, so tedious! And was it ever otherwise? What then do we write and paint, we mandarins with Chinese brush, we immortalisers of things which LEND themselves to writing, what are we alone capable of painting? Alas, only that which is just about to fade and begins to lose its odour! Alas, only exhausted and departing storms and belated yellow sentiments! Alas, only birds strayed and fatigued by flight, which now let themselves be captured with the hand—with OUR hand! We immortalize what cannot live and fly much longer, things only which are exhausted and mellow! And it is only for your AFTERNOON, you, my written and painted thoughts, for which alone I have colours, many colours, perhaps, many variegated softenings, and fifty yellows and browns and greens and reds;— but nobody will divine thereby how ye looked in your morning, you sudden sparks and marvels of my solitude, you, my old, beloved— EVIL thoughts!”
From Beyond Good and Evil, last section.
The words that I have highlighted in the passage are the ones that I am familiar with but would like a better understanding of. Will you please help?
Thank you, Dr. Goode
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HERE ARE THE DEFINITIONS THAT YOU REQUESTED, JUNIPER. I DO BELIEVE THAT WITH THE PROPER UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORDS, YOU WILL COME TO A CLEARER ANALYSIS OF SUZUKI'S PASSAGE.
To make varied in appearance, as by adding different colors.
To give variety to; diversify.
To remove or take off, as clothing
To remove or tip (the hat), as in greeting
To throw off; get rid of: Doff your stupid ideas and join our side!
State or quality of being novel, new, or unique; newness: the novelty of a new job
A novel occurrence, experience, or proceeding: His sarcastic witticisms had ceased being entertaining novelty.
An article of trade whose value is chiefly decorative, comic or the like and whose appeal is often transitory: a store catering to tourists who loaded up with souvenir pennants and other novelties
a. (of a weave) consisting of a combination of basic weaves
b. (of a fabric or garment) having a pattern or design produced by a novelty weave
c. (of yarn) having irregularities within the fibrous structure
Of or pertaining to novelties as articles of trade: novelty goods; novelty items
Having or displaying novelties: novelty shop
Marked by tedium; long and tedious: tedious tasks; a tedious journey.
Wordy so as to cause weariness or boredom, as a speaker or writer; prolix
To bestow unending fame upon; perpetuate
To make immortal; endow with immortality
Of or pertaining to a god, especially the Supreme Being
Addressed, appropriated, or devoted to God or a god; religious; sacred: divine worship.
Proceeding from God or a god: divine laws.
Godlike; characteristic of or befitting a deity: divine magnanimity.
Heavenly; celestial: the divine kingdom
Informal: extremely good; unusually lovely: He has the most diving tenor voice.
Being a god; being God: a divine person
Of superhuman or surpassing excellence: Beauty is divine.
Obsolete, of or pertaining to divinity or theology
A theologian; scholar in religion
A priest or member of the dergy
b. (sometimes lowercase) the spiritual aspect of humans; the group of attributes and qualities of humankind regarded as godly or godlike.
- verb (used with object)
To discover or declare (something obscure or in the future) by divination; prophesy.
To discover (water, metal, etc.) by means of diving rod.
To perceive by intuition or insight; conjecture.
Archaic, to portend.
- verb (used without object)
To use or practice divination; prophesy.
To have perception by intuition or insight; conjecture.
JUNIPER, PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT MY OFFICE OPENS AT 7AM AND CLOSES AT 5PM EVERY WEEKDAY. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO CONTACT ME DURING REGULARLY SCHEDULED BUSINESS HOURS, SET UP AN APPOINTMENT WITH MARY AT THE FRONT DESK. I AM USING ALL CAPS TO EXPRESS MY EXTREME LEVEL OF SERIOUSNESS, AND TO GIVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT I HAVE AN AUTHORITARIAN VOICE... but really, I just got used to using all caps in text messages, and could not resist typing this way.
Be well, Juniper.