Fuck Yo' (Therapist's) Couch!

I CAIN'T REED GOODE!

WORDS I DON'T KNOW

A List of Words That Juniper Sunrise
Did Not and/or Does Not

Know How to Spell, Write, or Define

Categorized by Month and Year

WRITTEN BY

Dr. Reed Goode and Juniper Sunrise

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Forward

by

Juniper Sunrise

Apparently, the “Forward” is supposed to be written by someone other than the author but I don't really give a shit about that right now. There are so many personalities running amok in this singular soul that I will employ them simultaneously and however I see fit.

This list has been constructed to further embarrass me by the intellectually savvy Dr. Reed Goode. Goode is a figment of my imaginary friend's imagination, and he has instructed me to gain a deeper understanding of words that are used in text, everyday speech, and writing that are either over my head or sound funny (but are not meant to be taken lightly, or utilized in a humorous manner).

The list will not be alphabetized but listed the way that the words were encountered by myself, and defined by Dictionary.com because it's easier that way (plus, there is no way Dr. Reed Goode has time to create his own definitions on my account).

I hope that you enjoy reading the passages that I, Juniper Sunrise, have acquired via the letters and e-mails of friends, and overheard conversations. If you're not enjoying them, go fuck yourself.

Juniper Sunrise

FIRST LETTER

SUNNY DAYS IN JUNE

June 17, 2011

Hello Dr. Reed Goode,

I am sitting in Thunderbird Coffee House on Manor Road in Austin, Texas. I am electronically rifling through e-mails from friends, online retailers, and music labels. One e-mail in particular stood out to me because it was sent by a dear friend of mine who is a Philosophy Professor at one of the local universities in the city. She read a blog post that I had written a month or so ago that displayed my love for Shunryu Suzuki (located on the Juniper Sunrise Wordpress).

Her e-mail carried one of his many brilliant messages, that inadvertently introduced me to words that I either did not understand in context, or never would have thought to use in the particular way that Suzuki did.

The passage reads:

“296. Alas! what are you, after all, my written and painted thoughts! Not long ago you were so variegated, young and malicious, so full of thorns and secret spices, that you made me sneeze and laugh—and now? You have already doffed your novelty, and some of you, I fear, are ready to become truths, so immortal do they look, so pathetically honest, so tedious! And was it ever otherwise? What then do we write and paint, we mandarins with Chinese brush, we immortalisers of things which LEND themselves to writing, what are we alone capable of painting? Alas, only that which is just about to fade and begins to lose its odour! Alas, only exhausted and departing storms and belated yellow sentiments! Alas, only birds strayed and fatigued by flight, which now let themselves be captured with the hand—with OUR hand! We immortalize what cannot live and fly much longer, things only which are exhausted and mellow! And it is only for your AFTERNOON, you, my written and painted thoughts, for which alone I have colours, many colours, perhaps, many variegated softenings, and fifty yellows and browns and greens and reds;— but nobody will divine thereby how ye looked in your morning, you sudden sparks and marvels of my solitude, you, my old, beloved— EVIL thoughts!”

From Beyond Good and Evil, last section.

The words that I have highlighted in the passage are the ones that I am familiar with but would like a better understanding of. Will you please help?

Thank you, Dr. Goode

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HERE ARE THE DEFINITIONS THAT YOU REQUESTED, JUNIPER. I DO BELIEVE THAT WITH THE PROPER UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORDS, YOU WILL COME TO A CLEARER ANALYSIS OF SUZUKI'S PASSAGE.

VARIEGATED

To make varied in appearance, as by adding different colors.

To give variety to; diversify.

DOFFED

To remove or take off, as clothing

To remove or tip (the hat), as in greeting

To throw off; get rid of: Doff your stupid ideas and join our side!

NOVELTY

- noun.

State or quality of being novel, new, or unique; newness: the novelty of a new job

A novel occurrence, experience, or proceeding: His sarcastic witticisms had ceased being entertaining novelty.

An article of trade whose value is chiefly decorative, comic or the like and whose appeal is often transitory: a store catering to tourists who loaded up with souvenir pennants and other novelties

- adjective

TEXTILES

a. (of a weave) consisting of a combination of basic weaves

b. (of a fabric or garment) having a pattern or design produced by a novelty weave

c. (of yarn) having irregularities within the fibrous structure

Of or pertaining to novelties as articles of trade: novelty goods; novelty items

Having or displaying novelties: novelty shop

TEDIOUS

- adjective

Marked by tedium; long and tedious: tedious tasks; a tedious journey.

Wordy so as to cause weariness or boredom, as a speaker or writer; prolix

IMMORTALIZE

To bestow unending fame upon; perpetuate

To make immortal; endow with immortality

DIVINE

- adjective

Of or pertaining to a god, especially the Supreme Being

Addressed, appropriated, or devoted to God or a god; religious; sacred: divine worship.

Proceeding from God or a god: divine laws.

Godlike; characteristic of or befitting a deity: divine magnanimity.

Heavenly; celestial: the divine kingdom

Informal: extremely good; unusually lovely: He has the most diving tenor voice.

Being a god; being God: a divine person

Of superhuman or surpassing excellence: Beauty is divine.

Obsolete, of or pertaining to divinity or theology

- noun

A theologian; scholar in religion

A priest or member of the dergy

The Divine,

a. God.

b. (sometimes lowercase) the spiritual aspect of humans; the group of attributes and qualities of humankind regarded as godly or godlike.

- verb (used with object)

To discover or declare (something obscure or in the future) by divination; prophesy.

To discover (water, metal, etc.) by means of diving rod.

To perceive by intuition or insight; conjecture.

Archaic, to portend.

- verb (used without object)

To use or practice divination; prophesy.

To have perception by intuition or insight; conjecture.

JUNIPER, PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT MY OFFICE OPENS AT 7AM AND CLOSES AT 5PM EVERY WEEKDAY.  IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO CONTACT ME DURING REGULARLY SCHEDULED BUSINESS HOURS, SET UP AN APPOINTMENT WITH MARY AT THE FRONT DESK.  I AM USING ALL CAPS TO EXPRESS MY EXTREME LEVEL OF SERIOUSNESS, AND TO GIVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT I HAVE AN AUTHORITARIAN VOICE... but really, I just got used to using all caps in text messages, and could not resist typing this way.

Be well, Juniper.

Sincerely,

Goode