Sunday, August 14, 2011

The BEER SHITS List: A Healthy Human's Guide to Beer Shits Expulsion Sessions

Charles Bukowski

It is possible that you have experienced "beer shits".

You have most likely experienced the phenomenon that manifests itself in the most harrowing way, at the most inconvenient time.  And when I say "inconvenient", I mean that you are the passenger in a under-gassed vehicle in the middle of bum fudge Egypt and there is not a gas station in sight.

Since you have found yourself in this situation it is only fair that you grant yourself forgiveness.

You knew that one last beer was going to push you over the toilet bowl's edge... now you're sitting in a Pine Sol scented bathroom perched semi-poetically on a cavernous flushing throne, rubbing your bulging beer belly in a vain attempt to expel memories of the night before.

It's alright if you cry hysterically on a toilet.

At some point in your life you will cry hysterically on a toilet.  Seriously.  It's inevitable.

Feel a little better?


Now, let's move on to how to make Beer Shits less of a pain in the proverbial ass.

There are steps that you can take to make beer shits bearable, especially if they are first coming on when you wake up to a hankering of a hangover!  Keep in mind that all of my medical advice has been tested but if you need ibuprofen, Swedish fish, cabbages, or professional emergency aide at some point while following any of these steps, go for it!

- - - - -

A Healthy Human's Guide to
Beer Shits Expulsion Sessions

Step One: Don't expel your Beer Shits at home!

Respect yourself.  There is absolutely no reason for you to experience Beer Shits in the privacy of your personal bathroom.  You don't want your lovely little latrine filled with the scent of your own drunken sorrows!  That's what restaurant bathrooms are for!  Mmmhmmm.  That's right.

Go to a restaurant!  Find a nice spot to camp, preferably a booth.  Talk with the waitstaff politely about the specials, making sure to order a light appetizer to nibble on that includes some form of carbohydrate.  Then, subtly inquire about the location of the restroom.  After these steps have been made, your body has had enough time to acclimate itself to this new food-filled environment and has properly calmed itself into Expulsion Mode.

You're ready to make your move!

Step Two:  Bring a Magazine and Matches!

The trick to great Beer Shit Expulsion is to keep your brain entertained!

The best magazine to bring with you is Playboy.  The reason being:  you're going to leave it in the restroom stall once you're done and some of the best writers in the nation work for Playboy!  You get to look at lovely ladies, learn about their interests, AND expand your knowledge on global economics! You lucky beer shitter, you!

And you absolutely MUST have matches with you!  Strike one.  If the lovely linger of last night's beer gut guilt is still apparent, strike one more.  Under no circumstances should evidence, other than the Playboy, be left in the restroom.  If you want to be extra effing classy, buy yourself incense matches!  Even if there is another person in the restroom with you, they will be impressed with your shit scent covering-savvy and quite thankful that you prevented them from the attack your rose war.

Step Three:  DRINK COFFEE then eat something!

I know you don't like coffee but it's going to help your brain make extra sure that you've done your job correctly the first time.  If you were unable to expel those solidified turned sloshy toxins from your intestines on the initial go-round, you'll definitely know it after one cup of strong black coffee.

* NOTE: if you really don't like coffee, try an herbal tea.  Peppermint will be gentle on your stomach and aide in the maximum force of your expulsion session.

Drinkin' Coffee.  Like a Boss.

Now, don't forget that you've ordered food!  The meal is most likely sitting on your table, and you're debating whether or not you can actually stomach the random food items you've ordered.  Take a breath and pick up the bread (because there's always bread at non-fast food establishments).  Put it in your mouth and chew slowly, letting the saliva saturate the lump o' loaf and break it down while you think about your tiny tush victory.  At this point, with the bread still in your mouth, your stomach will talk to you.  This is when you gauge whether or not you need a second rendezvous to the loo.

Don't worry.  You know what to do.  The Playboy will be in the same stall, by the way.  If it's not, don't be surprised.  It's a damned good read!

Step Four:  Share your experience with a close friend or relative.

You've finished eating your meal!  Congratulations!  Now, you're ready to get the fudge out of the restaurant and go to a movie theater!  Eggggsellent!

At this time, you need to call a close friend or relative and invite them to join you for a trip to the movies.  Make sure that you allot enough time to complete concessions ordering and optimum seat picking: this will give you the opportunity to share your Beer Shits Expulsion Session with your movie going companion!  Revel in their shock and amazement at your ass-tastic accomplishment!  Rest assured; they will be thinking about your successful session throughout the film.  You're the real star!  You stole the show!

Step Five:  Drink Beer!  You deserve it!

Now that you've had a peaceful pooping parade, a delicious dining experience, and relaxing day at the movie theater, you're ready for a BEER, my friend!  Most people would be ashamed of completing this step, but not you!  You know how difficult it is to transcend high levels of beer shitting tribulation, and you deserve to reward yourself with the best brews your local pub has to offer.  Order a tall cold one from your favorite bartender at your favorite watering hole, and savor every drop of your deviled elixir!

Not only have you conquered your Beer Shits, you get to do it all over again tomorrow morning!


- - - -

So, you see?  There is nothing wrong with drinking beer or kickin' back one more because in the end, you get to experience the beauty of Beer Shits and the fine art of living healthily, happily, and drunkenly.  Also keep in mind that you never have to experience Beer Shits alone.  Those days are over!  This is your time to own the fact that your Beer Shits need to be experienced in a fun, dynamic,  classy environment and eventually shared with friends and family.

Release the inner turmoil and be whole!

This is Sunday Afternoon Advice from your friend Doctor Reed Goode

No comments:

Post a Comment